that one feeling when you are incapable of telling someone how much you love them (despite actually loving them!), because it’s drowned too deep in grief. grief, even though you haven’t lost this person yet, because you are thinking about how little time is left and you feel like it’s already over. you love them so much that it hurts, and you are already grieving their loss. and you are angry; angry because you are too afraid to say ‘you are important to me. i love you and i don’t want to lose you’.

you vaguely know you’re doing it wrong—but instead of opening up, you are repeatedly telling another someone you love them. a little mindlessly, empty words almost, because with that person, you don’t even want to think about the possible grief that would come if you ended up getting seriously attached to them, only to lose them later. you don’t want to be stripped off of your ability to speak. you don’t want to get angry. you don’t want to be in pain. but at what price? these ‘i love you’s denued of sincerity don’t hurt for now; but soon regrets will sink in and either way, you’ll eventually lose.